Confessions of a Co-Wife

"The best of you [the Muslim men] are those of you who are best to your wives." –The Prophet Mohammed (peace and blessings be upon him).


Okay, first off, before I go on with this post, I will remind my readers, this blog is contributed to by 3 different women regularly. Our editor often blends events if needed to protect identities. So I am putting myself out there writing this. Because this is me. Only me.

A lot of female bloggers in Oman have been writing about the issue of polygamy [polygyny is the correct term for a man marrying more than one wife but a wife having only that one husband] in Oman recently.

Susan Al Shahri, OPNO, Dhofari Gucci, Mimi, and Shawawi Oman. Susan and Mimi are children of a polygynous marriage. Dhofari Gucci, OPNO, and Shawawi Oman are all women mixed up entirely in Omani society who know polygynous families.

I am writing this because I am a 20 something wife who also has a 20 something co-wife. And since no woman who is actually a wife in this situation has written a post on the subject, I figured I had to.

I won't say who is first wife and who is second because my co-wife and I both HATE the negative stereotypes shoved upon us by Arab society. This post shouldn't be colored by YOUR stereotypes, dear readers.

People have the nerve to accuse the first wife of not taking care of her husband enough. She is not beautiful enough maybe, or maybe her personality is dull. Or maybe she is fat or he got bored and she didn't watch out for that.

In our case, what the freakin' hell?!

They also think the second wife is all about sex. She got her man because of her beauty and there's nothing else worthy in her. She is a husband stealing woman, and thus okay with cheating, and backstabbing, and no one would want to be her friend. You can't trust her.

Do you know how people thinking like this hurt's a woman's self image? You people who think that way?: SUCK.

Or maybe she was more religious than her co-wife to be okay with being a co-wife in the first place?: But if she thinks she's better than the first wife in anyway, or would totally freak and get upset if her husband took a third, she definitely ISN'T.

And to the men. How they view the husband: it must totally all be about sex.

I LOL at that x100. Yeah, because when my co-wife and I are upset, it is always about sex. Sarcasm people. That is never where our troubles come from.

I know a lot of other wives in our same situation, but really none of the above applies to us. I know there are wives with crappy husbands. I feel sorry for them. But don't judge an entire institution on the prevalent stereotype.

Here is a quick rundown on our situation:

First wife was told by husband over a year before marriage to the #2 that he was looking for a second wife. More than six months before his marriage to #2, he introduced #2 to #1 and informed #1 of his intention to marry potential #2.

#1 & #2 really liked each other as people. If the idea wasn't sharing the same man, we'd likely be bestfriends. Sharing a husband makes that friendship a bit awkward in places. Which isn't to say we aren't friends, but only, not as close of friends as we would be if we weren't wives of the same man.

#2, knowing how hard things would be on wife #1, chose to give up her right to a big public wedding like #1 had, or a honeymoon period. Since husband had done this with wife #1, wife #2 deserved the same. #2 forwent this right because adjusting to sharing time and days and nights is something wife #1 has to get used to, more than wife #2. So things started with equal days for both. I won't lie. The first four months were hard for both of us. It got easier with time, especially when our communication worked better.

Wife #1 was religious enough to never reject a greeting from wife #2, or to refuse a visit. And wife #2 knew she didn't have anything above #1 and didn't try to influence her new husband to her favor over the rights of wife #1.

Thus, we are both able to communicate our concerns and solve problems together. Really, if our husband screws up on anything with one of us, and it is truly his fault, both of us get angry at him together. If one of us gets mad at him, and he isn't at fault, our co-wife gently advises us of this. Having someone who truly understands your marital problems AND YOUR husband's personality, is a benefit, if both wives are willing to help each other.

We both have our own houses. We would like to live in the same neighborhood as eachother but sharing the same house would be too hard on our husband. And a woman in Islam has the right to her own house. Though generally during the Eids we spend time in one of our homes together.

The harem scenario non-muslims picture never happens because we split our days up. When I see a photo of two muslim women and a man tagged "his two wives" it annoys me because we don't really go out together like that. Not because we don't like eachother but that we like to spend time with our husband on our days. It is more likely for us to go out together without him. Only on the Eids or for visits do we come together like that, because it is a special time about family, and not about romance, ect. Our kids love to play together and we love eachother's children.

About sex {and my husband reads this blog, so understand, Dear, why I am writing this}. Shawawi Oman asked that if the husband had sex with 1 wife so many times that he has to with his other wife.

My answer: technically, in Islam, the husband isn't supposed to share bedroom details about one wife with another unless there is some medical reason. But what he has to do, of course as his health permits, is satisfy the sexual needs of all of his wives equally. His own needs may be kept private. So, to be honest, I find this beneficial. There are times when a wife might not want sex, but it is also for her to satisfy her husband's needs you know? It goes both ways. My co-wife and I can always share this while another wife who is the only wife might have to act all sexy when she isn't really in the mood. Husband still might have to, but really, he makes sure all our needs are fine, and there are no complaints on the wives' side.

Do I not get jealous over my husband having sex with another woman?

Nope. Our husband gives us equal time, and is enough for us romance-wise. I would be jealous if this were not so though. If we ever feel insecure about this, my cowife and I talk to eachother and talk to our husband to resolve any misunderstandings fairly.

Do I get jealous?

Yes, of course. But I was in a marriage before the marriage I am currently in, where I was the first and only wife. My ex-husband was totally dedicated to be faithful only to me romance wise. A lot of Arab women were even jealous of this, his public declaration of me being the only woman for him and that he would never ever take a second wife.

There were still things I got jealous of. His work. His friends. His hobbies. Any time these things overrode my personal needs, and my needs always became second, it didn't matter if I was an only wife or not. I was just not important enough.

In a plural marriage as I am now in, it falls to my husband to make sure my needs, and co-wife's are taken care of. Really, he puts us before himself all the time, in his time, in his money. He doesn't have much time for himself, and he doesn't have much money left for himself. He makes sure we get to see the things we want to see, do the things we want to do. And makes each of us feel special and unique while he does so.

I get jealous when he buys a new phone and spends a lot of time with it when I want his attention. I get jealous if he hangs out with his friends on my days, and wouldn't be doing the same on my co-wife's days. Things like that. If I tell him my feelings, he usually works it out so it is fair. I still hate bloody new phones though. Even if I know he is ignoring my co-wife an equal amount over that same stupid phone;)

I know for a fact I have more time with my husband than a lot of women whose husband's have only one wife. And I am important to him. And my co-wife, she knows her value too. I don't think I'd be satisifed with my marriage though, if my husband had a job that left him little time for us even if he equated that time fairly. We both get insecure over time.

If there happens to be a conflict of interest between my co-wife and I, we either make a compromise between ourselves like, you get to travel this vacation, and I will get to next ect, and our husband does the same, balancing those things we want and need that coincide in a way that can't be divided.

Next question. How can you feel like you are special when your husband has another wife who is special to him too?

Well, for us, my co-wife and I are very different women. He loves different things in us equally. It was important that he not just marry a younger version of wife #1. Both of us have only the slightest age difference and our husband is near to us in age, not ludicrously older. Physically my co-wife and I are entirely different personas, so we aren't comparable. Personality-wise as well. And my co-wife and I agree, to have certain places that our special just to our husband and us that the other wife won't go to with husband, so long as they are equal with the special places/things of the other wife. So we have equal, but different things. To feel special. It works.

Alot of women have this idea of an all absorbing one-and-only love. I don't believe in this. I believe in a love that is earned and deserved that grows with every day rather than just taking over in an instant and having nowhere to go from there. I don't believe there is only one person out there for everyone, but I believe my co-wife and I have both found a man who is right for us.

Why should a man need two wives?

I can't speak for others. Just my own case:

Because he can and because he loves us. And he saw something worthy in us that was worth dedicating most of the efforts of his life to. And because we both needed him. Love and respect can't be changed just because one wishes both things might go away if it would make life easier or more convenient.

And waiting for someone like him who wouldn't be finding me or her or someone like me or someone like her?

I suppose we could have waited. Waited for that kind of fairytale love, but then we'd be missing out on the love and happiness we have right now. And honestly, I wouldn't want any other woman to miss out on that kind of love and happiness.

So if my husband felt like he wanted to, and he could afford to, and did so Islamically, if he ever wanted to marry a third, my co-wife and I could both support the idea. And in our situation, #2 isn't a hypocrite. I don't think he wants to though, because making a marriage work with just two people in it is alot of work. With 3 there alot of needs and wants to consider. He's tired with us. With another, unless he retires, it might be too much for him. Of course, there are more people to help out when the going gets rough too, provided both husband and wives want their marriage to work under the Shariah conditions for it, and have the Islamic manners Muslims are supposed to have for eachother.

Honestly, in this day and age, I can't imagine a man managing four wives well. 3 I can fathom. 4 I really cannot. He'd have to be Superman, that's for sure.

With 4 wives, all the women would be spending more than a weekend's length of time apart. Me, personally, I couldn't handle that when I am honest with myself.

But with just me and my cowife I can like the time apart for the following reasons:

The weekend length of time we spend now is good for a few things.

It makes you miss eachother so no one ever gets bored but not so long that you forget eachother.

As a woman, you have some days off from being super-wife. You can eat snack food all day and sit in your pajamas and let the house go or go shopping with your girlfriends and not care about what time you get home and get complete control of the tv remote.

Yet you still get to call someone who loves you and tell them about your day and know if you get sick that they'll rush to come take care of you.

And on the days that are yours he thinks you are this incredible woman who has time to help him make an incredible dinner, and dress nice, and give him your undivided attention.

I personally like someone thinking that about me. That I am this smart, sweet, sexy, organized woman. Which I am, of course, only liking to be.

I also like that my co-wife is like my sister. I get to tell her things, and ask her things, and she can reassure me when I am insecure. I don't have any other Muslim family so she is that for me, no matter what we go through.

It doesn't matter if you are a strong working woman or not who doesn't need a man to provide for her. You still desire in your heart someone you can provide a home for, who loves you, and needs you, and makes you feel special.

There aren't alot of men who can handle our situation [though there are alot who naively think they can]. And there are some women out there who aren't meant for it either. I get so angry at all those men in Oman who do it all so selfishly and unjustly so that my co-wife and I get all those women out there feeling misplaced pity for us, or anger at our situation. Or who automatically equate our husband with a group of losers.

That's my 2 cents. The confession of a co-wife who adores her co-wife and is deeply in love with the husband we share. A husband who deeply believes that no man can be a good muslim if he is married to a decent woman and yet he leaves her unhappy.

Never marry a man who doesn't understand that, even if you'll only ever be his "one and only".