Being a Western Woman, Married to an Omani Man, with a Co-wife: polygyny---what is it like?

I guess quite a few people caught the "my co-wife" in a previous post, and I've recieved a lot of emails about those few slipped words;) since. The emails are mainly asking about what it is like to be a 'Western' woman in a marriage with a husband (Omani) and two wives (one Canadian, one Omani). I have actually written about this quite some time ago http://howtolivelikeanomaniprincess.blogspot.com/2012/02/confessions-of-co-wife.html.

So, what is it like for a Western woman to have a co-wife, as in how do you deal and come to accept it?

Honestly, being Western doesn't really affect me too much, not in a negative way. I live in an Arab country, but being Western, I don't have an Arab family or Arab relations who have built up negative stereotypes about polygamy or women in multiple marriages. My Canadian family were suprrisingly okay with the whole thing, so long as they saw that I was happy, and my husband treats me good, and makes time for his kids, and treats my co-wife the same. My father really likes my husband and my co-wife (he met them both) and that's great for me. On the whole, my inlaws as Westerners are way less judgemental about the issue than my husband's (Omani) family. They already bore out the whole me-converting-to-Islam thing. That took a lot more time, held way more issues for them, than my marriage actually.

My poor co-wife on the otherhand (Omani) gets this {the negative stereotypes about co-wives and polygamy}. My Western attitude of "who cares what other people think so long as what I am doing is right by my understanding and in truth" gets me through a lot of other people's drama;) you could say. My co-wife says, my attitude helps her sometimes, deal with the same. Othertimes, it makes me totally alien to her;). Omanis, based on family and tribal social structures, care a great deal what others think about them, regardles sif others are fit to judge, or smart, knowledgeable individuals. That's something I can never conform to. That is the Western difference I guess. To me, family, society, is not always right, and I don't really give a 'damn' what people who are not good people, or educated people, think on subjects beyond them.

So the real question you could say is, how does a Western woman get to understanding the concept of polygamy in Islam and being okay with that?

I guess, because I converted to Islam, and I mean I studied Islam in detail before that back in Canada, I understood polygyny and how it was done by the first Muslims, when it is permissiable, men and women's rights under it, and I figured, when I became a Muslim, I had to accept the whole of Islam, not just the parts I liked or didn't like. Polygyny (i.e. a man having more than one wife) is permissiable for a man when he marries orphans (Islamically, that means a woman without a Muslim father or a widow or divorcee whose family had great difficulty in supporting her or whom could outlive her father's support ect.). Only in those cases am I okay with it, understand. Otherwise, I think the husband is a selfish loser. Unless his wife is insane or something that would otherwise make his first marriage invalid or a divorce case otherwise in Islamic law.

Beyond that, in Islam, polygyny is very fair. In practice, it is very hard, but it is not unjust. Sometimes, regular, monogamous marriages are deeply unfair. A husband can go out and leave his wife and kids alone alot, spend his money on himself and not think about what is best for his wife or kids. I think in by accepting our situation (my cowife and I) we force him to be very fair and just to us and spend more time with us than many men who have only one wife in Arab culture. I mean, otherwise we wouldn't have to accept it. My SIL, her husband (Omani) has only one wife, but she looks at her brother and how her treats my cowife and I, and wishes her marriage was like that (not that anything is wrong with her marriage either).

Jealousy usually comes from misunderstandings, or imaginings. In our case, our husband loves different things in us both equally. For example, he appreaciates how independent I am and how I deal with life and in my cowife, he appreciates the fact they have a mutual culture.
Independence personally helps me. I am an independent woman. I have lived alone, supported myself. A husband makes life easier. I appreciate having someone to share my moments with but my life isn't all about him. In Islam, it is a good reminder. Muslims believe that when we are in our graves, our husbands, our children even, these things will not concern us. Our deeds will. How we spent our time, what we accomplished, what we left behind in terms of teaching or aiding others or simply worship for the sake of Allah/God.
I try to remind myself that Arab husbands are super super dependent (I blame over coddling mothers;) ). They need a lot of time from their wives and have huge expectations. Dividing our days gives me time of my own, a chance to remain independent, to have time for Allah or my children only, but still have that romantic or personal connection without it draining everything out of me in terms of energy and devotion.
I also remind myself that Allah told us, there are no true believers until we want for others what want for ourselves. Maybe one can be a Muslim, but not a believer, without this. There are many women alone and helpless in this world. Why should I be entitled to a happiness or a safety that they are not simply because of my personal preferences and what I think myself capable of? What matters in this then, if what my husband is capable of in terms of fairness to Allah, us, and our children. I don't think it is a selfish thing for a man most of the time, if his intentions were not just for himself alone, but also for caring for others, and tesing himself to be a person who thinks more of others than himself and his own needs. This is actually admirable to me. Noble intentions and compassion always are, despite how draining or difficult they make our lives.

Of course, none of us, my husband or my cowife or myself, manage to be perfectly Islamic in our thoughts and words all the time when dealing with eachother. But coming back to Islam, and truly meaning to live that way, builds what I've seen broken beyond repair in other polygamous marriages.

I know, in cases, it is hard to do this, mainly because of the children, but I think Islamic dialogue and manners between wives goes a long way to reduce confusion, or possible jealousy. Without it, I'd probaly say "screw her, I hate that *^%$$" you know? When she's being jealous or stupid, or I am being demanding or needy, or husband is, I don't know, being stupid or distant or lazy to try to talk things out. LOL, I know she feels the same. We have a pretty good relationship with eachother compared to a lot of wives. It is work and closeness and Islamic manners that keep us like that. If there is a distance, time where we don't visit or talk to eachother or see eachother's kids, it makes space of imaginings and jealousies.
Also, my cowife says it helps her that I know that I am not better than her. I don't judge myself against other people, I simply list off to myself my good deeds and my sins and go, uh, yikes sometimes, like I am totally NOT a good person. When it comes down to it, what matters most to me is not what my husband thinks of me or what he thinks of her, but what I think of myself. What I think of her is not my concern I guess, and that definately helps her she says. But I think she's a beautiful, kind, smart, Islamic woman, who is more patient and gentler in her words or judgements than I. Her letting me know her, helped a lot. Living closer together, helps a lot. Living far apart and not talking makes one jealous and imagine things that are not there in the relationship between the other two people in the marriage. When you see eachother all the time, you realize, your complaints about your husband are the same, ha ha: that you both wish Allah would destroy his stupid phone, or that he'd talk less about work or notice the kids when they are about to jump off the balcony at Al Araimi mall;). He isn't different in the way he screws up with either of us, but maybe just his way of communicaiting is different, because maybe, you as women, have different priorities or want different things from a relationship. I am Western, so the way he talks to me is different. For me, he better say please and thank you for eveything he wants me to do. For her, she'd get offenced if he did that, because she'd see it, like they are strangers. Our cultures are a bit different in how husbands should communicate with wives.

My cowife is also really nice. Most of the time;p. I genuinely like her. I've met other people's wives and sometimes, I hate the second wife. She's all into herself, and thinks she's prettier or smarter than the first wife or something, and when I know them both I totally don't think that. My cowife isn't like that at all. She's interesting, genuinely nice, pretty, has nice taste in clothes, smart, ect....We'd definately be really good friends if we weren't married to the same person. As it is, we are friends, but not bestfriends. Bestfriends are too close so if they get into fights, the fights last longer and are meaner (at least between women, between men I have no idea).

I don't know what else. I think the most important point to remember are the two I said: Allah told us, there are no true believers until we want for others what want for ourselves, and that when we are in our graves, our husbands, our children even, these things will not concern us. Our deeds will. How we spent our time, what we accomplished, what we left behind in terms of teaching or aiding others or simply worship for the sake of Allah. These beliefs and practicing them, inform our Islamic manners, who we deal with our own insecurities, how we treat others... Without them, in all people involved in a marriage with more than one wife, will end up in tragedy for one person (of the wives), or hurt or abandonment on the part of the children.

I've written before, how we chose to divide our time, and manage the kids, ect... but I guess what has changed since I last wrote about my situation is that we visit eachother on eachother's days. We are building our houses right next door to eachother with a shared yard for the kids. We try to have coffee together every afternoon to give husband a break from being a husband {since he gets no real days to himself which makes him grouchy sometimes but who cares, he has to live with it, ha;)}. Generally, we get on really well, and have started to go shopping together or visiting family together. I think this is actually harder on our husband than us. He doesn't know which kind of communication to use so usually he just focuses on the kids at the mall and ignores us. Which is totally fine, the kids are happy.

Her Arab family and my husband's sometimes still give her a hard time, but it is their misconceptions that cause her insecurities, she'd be the first to admit, or that offend me, ect... Really, me being Western doesn't affect us I guess. She says it's better than if I WERE Arab, because than all my relatives would be on me to compete with her or something. As if a man were ever something worth competeing over, no matter how good a husband or Muslim he is;p ;). No offense to men of course.

Can't think of anything else to say at all. {End rather long long post}